i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
