the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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