A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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