i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
