Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Your penis caused this!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
