3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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