The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
