either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
