I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
