Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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