Got a toothbrush?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
