Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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