He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
