So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
