'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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