Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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