This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
