Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
