toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize