im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
