I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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