false alarm. still invincible.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
