Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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