I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
