thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
