My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
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just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
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I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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