Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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