I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
