Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
