it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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