Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
