I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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