Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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