If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
