i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
