I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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