Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I had to cum in my sink.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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