I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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