Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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