tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
