Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
