i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
