I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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