I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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