All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
