so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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