If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
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Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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