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Cold hands, warm shart.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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