I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
