Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
