Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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