You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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