just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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