Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
there is glitter all over my balls
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
