I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am mentally ready for anal.
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