I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You ruined the universe
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
