yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
