Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sext me about skeletons
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
